rut. funk. whatever..

I have felt like for the past couple of months my hormones have been changing. I have been going through some pretty drastic high's and low's.. Currently I feel like I am in a LOW, quick tempered, unhappy, low. This has lasted longer than normal and Ron has actually addressed me about it. It reminds me of right before I found out I was diabetic...
Ron told me that he didn't know what was wrong with me, but I needed help and he would support me 110% in getting the help but he could not and would not live like this anymore. (My blood sugar was running around 800 and to say that I was a bitch is an understatement.)So I went to the doctor to find out what the heck was wrong with me, I went in thinking that I had some thyroid issues and would take a pill and be fine. Little did I know that my doctor would look at me and say "Oh my, your diabetic." Not only did those words change my life, 4 years ago, but they are still a thorn in my thigh today. haha
Anyway.
My "rut" has been at work for a while, I am usually a go getter, excited to see what all projects I can get my hands in and I love seeing the finished product knowing that I had a hand it it. Here lately it's just do my job -- the bare minimum and go home. Now that attitude has followed me home and I am taking it out on my sweet husband who deserves this no more than than a tree in the back yard would....
(bad analogy; yes.)
He sent me an email today just asking if I was "ok" and letting me know that everything would be ok and that he would be here for me however he could be. He just wanted me to know that he was thinking about me and wanted me to know that whatever it is that I am going through we will get through this together.
>>How did I get so dang lucky?<<
Work sucks right now,I am learning that you can be right and wrong in the same breath and I am learning what it is to be the worker bee. To NOT get recognition for the projects that you do - unless they fail then you FOR SURE get the "recognition." I'm not afraid to fail at work, it's through some peoples greatest failures they have learned their most valuable lessons. I like my job and the ones I work with, I am just still learning the definition of "fairness" in the workplace. It usually has something to do with seniority and brown nosing.. around here anyway. But I have learned to LAY LOW, those of you that know me will understand how hard this is for me.. but who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks...
I am going to take a step back, ask for some help and see what happens. I am not a bad person if I say I am having trouble staying afloat right now. I feel as if I have no one to turn to, I have friends that have REAL problems. I can't even put a finger on whatever is going on so its been labeled as a rut. Why in the world should I call can burden my friends with these issues when I know that they are hurting- I don't want to add to that. So I do what I do. Bottle it up and make it look like everything is FINE. (that's a word I have come to HATE, fine. I'm fine, it's fine == everyone is always fucking fine, when you know that they may appear to be ok on the surface, but they are like ducks and their legs are going a million miles an hour under the water were no one can see just to try and keep THEM afloat. But they are FINE. Sometimes people say they are fine as an escape, its easier to be FINE than it is to hurt and I get that, I am the queen of FINE maybe that is why I hate it, because I know that I am NOT FINE. Yet we are all FINE.) I used to be really good at the bottle it up, press it way down and don't think about it stuff. Eventually it all went away, well most of the time it seemed to. Right now my old plan is failing me. I need to find a way to restructure, come up with a new game plan. I am a happy, helpful, fun loving person and I despise this person I am when the rut comes to visit.
Anyway. This is not a plead for help. haha I don't need to "step back from that ledge my friend" and I don't think I am in need of medical help -YET (have you seen the woman in my family.. its comin)Just kidding. I just needed somewhere to try and sort through whats swimming in my head. Sorry if you read this, it's a total Debbie Downer of a message. But aren't we all entitled to a few of these.....